“Oppression exists, but most people are oppressed by their own stories and fears.” This powerful insight from The Three Questions by Don Miguel Ruiz and Barbara Emrys invites us to pause and ask: What if the barriers to change aren't external but lie within?
Change is often accompanied by resistance—a tug-of-war between our desire for growth and the comfort of the familiar. Ruiz and Emrys argue that the source of this struggle is the "government of the mind," a tyrannical internal system of rules, judgments, and self-imposed limitations. Their framework, built around three transformative questions, offers a path toward self-awareness, authenticity, and love. Let’s dive deeper.
1. Who Am I?
This question feels deceptively simple, but the answer is anything but. Many of us equate our identity with our achievements, relationships, or past experiences. However, Ruiz and Emrys challenge this notion, calling these constructs the “me.”
"Me is not what you actually are. You are life, or the energy that made you a physical being."
The “me” is a fictional narrative—a story we’ve written and rewritten, influenced by societal norms and personal fears. Recognizing this is liberating. You begin to see yourself not as a fixed character but as fluid, dynamic life energy.
Actionable Tip: Spend five minutes each day observing your thoughts without judgment. Ask, “Is this thought part of my narrative, or is it true?” Over time, you’ll uncover how often the “me” colors your perception of reality.
2. What Is Real?
Our minds are not perfect mirrors of reality—they’re funhouse mirrors, distorting truth through filters of fear, bias, and past conditioning. The book emphasizes the importance of questioning the mind’s interpretations to uncover what is truly real.
"The mind is a mirror reflection of what is real, and not a very accurate one."
When we let go of the need to control or be “right,” we open ourselves to experiences as they are. This doesn’t mean abandoning logic but rather embracing a broader, more balanced view.
Actionable Tip: Practice sensory grounding. Next time you feel overwhelmed, pause. Identify three things you can see, two you can touch, and one you can hear. This simple practice helps bypass mental noise and reconnects you to the present.
3. What Is Love?
We often associate love with external relationships, but The Three Questions flips this perspective: real love begins with self-love. And no, not the Instagram-worthy self-care kind. This is about treating your body and mind as allies rather than adversaries.
"Your physical body is, and has always been, your true love."
True self-love is rooted in respect—respect for your body, emotions, and boundaries. When you nurture yourself, you create the foundation for authentic connections with others.
Actionable Tip: Start with your body. For one week, focus on acts of kindness toward yourself. This could mean eating nourishing food, moving in ways that feel good, or simply resting when you need it. Small, consistent gestures build a powerful habit of self-love.
Breaking Free from the Tyranny of the Mind
Ruiz and Emrys use the analogy of the mind as a government—complete with legislative (rules), judicial (judgments), and executive (decisions) branches. This government often acts as a dictator, enforcing outdated rules that no longer serve us.
"We are afraid to lose control. We want to control other people without considering their freedoms or showing them basic respect."
To cope with change, we must recognize and dismantle this tyranny. By questioning our assumptions and stepping outside the narrow confines of the “me,” we find freedom. And in that freedom lies the courage to embrace change.
Final Thoughts: Change as a Path to Freedom
Change is inevitable, but suffering through it isn’t. By asking the right questions—Who am I? What is real? What is love?—we shift our perspective. Instead of fearing change, we see it as an opportunity to reconnect with our true selves.
As Ruiz and Emrys remind us, “Real love starts with us. It’s never too late to rediscover the power of it in ourselves.” So, let’s start today. Let’s embrace change not as a threat but as a teacher, guiding us toward authenticity, love, and freedom.
Glossary of Key Terms
Me: The fictional identity or main character we create based on beliefs, experiences, and external input. This is not our true self but a construct of the mind.
Mind as Government: The metaphor used to describe the mind's three branches: legislative (creating laws based on beliefs), judicial (enforcing laws through self-judgment), and executive (led by "me," making decisions and commanding actions).
Truth/Life Energy: The fundamental force that animates all things. It is beyond our stories, beliefs, and perceptions; it simply is.
Personal Reality: Our individual interpretation of the world, shaped by our beliefs, experiences, and filters. It is a virtual reflection, not necessarily accurate to the truth.
Respect: Honouring the inherent worth of ourselves and others, accepting differences, and fostering a sense of safety and understanding in our interactions.
Diplomat: In the context of relationships, one who communicates with respect, understanding, and a willingness to see other perspectives without imposing their own beliefs or seeking to control.
Authenticity: Being true to oneself, aligning thoughts, words, and actions with our true nature, and living in accordance with our values.
Awareness: The ability to observe our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours without judgment, recognizing the stories we tell ourselves, and choosing to act consciously rather than react automatically.
Unconditional Love: Love that is not dependent on conditions or expectations. It is an acceptance of ourselves and others as they are, with all their imperfections.
Transformation: A profound shift in our understanding of ourselves and the world, leading to lasting changes in our thoughts, behaviours, and relationships.