"If it’s really me and mine, why doesn’t it do what I want it to do?"
This question, posed by Ajahn Sucitto, cuts to the core of how we suffer. Our sense of self—this "me" that we cling to—is often at the heart of our struggles. It’s a powerful concept, isn’t it? Yet, when we examine it closely, we find that it’s more fragile than we realize.

What if I told you the "self" you’ve been defending, improving, and attaching to isn’t as solid as it seems? Let’s explore how our identification with impermanent things—like our bodies, roles, and relationships—keeps us trapped, and how letting go of these attachments can set us free.

The Illusion of Control

We start with the body. Most of us identify deeply with it—how it looks, how it feels, what it can and can’t do. We think, "This is me," until the body doesn’t cooperate.

Take a moment to consider: Did you decide how tall you’d grow? Can you control how quickly you age or how your body responds to illness? As Ajahn Sucitto says, “If it’s me, how did I say let my body sprout ears?” The truth is, we have limited control over our physical form, yet we cling to it as though it defines us.

When we identify with the body, its changes—wrinkles, pain, illness—become threats to our sense of self. This clinging creates anxiety and suffering. But here’s the liberating insight: the body is just one part of a process, not the whole story.

Relationships: A Double-Edged Sword

Then there are our relationships. We tie our sense of self to others—friends, family, partners—and expect them to fulfill certain roles. We think, "They should act like this" or "Why don’t they love me the way I need?"

When they don’t meet our expectations, we suffer. Why? Because we’ve extended our identity into something we can’t control. Ajahn Sucitto observes this poignantly: “Why don’t they behave where I want them to be? Why don’t they stay where I want them to go?”

The reality is that people, like our bodies, are fluid and unpredictable. By loosening our grip on these expectations, we free ourselves—and them—from unnecessary tension.

The Five Aggregates: Building Blocks of Suffering

To truly understand this process, we need to look deeper at the Five Aggregates: form, feeling, perception, mental formations, and consciousness. These are the components that create the illusion of "self."

We identify with these aggregates—"I am my thoughts," "I am my feelings," "I am my consciousness." But as Ajahn Sucitto teaches, these are impermanent processes. They arise and pass, constantly shifting. When we cling to them, we react with aversion or desire, perpetuating suffering.

“Perceptions arise, and the degree of reactivity one has to that is what keeps it there,” he explains. The key, then, is to see these aggregates for what they are: phenomena that come and go, not a fixed "me."

Liberation Through Letting Go

So, what happens when we stop clinging to this constructed identity? Freedom.

Ajahn Sucitto gives us a glimpse of this liberation: “Maybe it’s best to… challenge the premise that I am in any of this. Maybe consciousness just arises. Not to anybody.” Imagine that—experiencing life without the burden of "me" attached to every moment.

This doesn’t mean ignoring our pain or past. It means releasing the "self" that keeps carrying it. As Sucitto says, “I was abused, yep. Pain doesn’t go away, self goes away. That’s what happened… Do I need to keep carrying it?”

Compassion Without Attachment

Here’s the surprising outcome: when we let go of self, we don’t become detached or cold. Instead, genuine compassion arises. Without the need to protect or justify our identity, we can show up for others with clarity and kindness.

“You realize that, ‘Oh, what’s needed here is just to be well,’” Sucitto says. Compassion, unburdened by ego, becomes a natural response.

The Invitation

This isn’t just a philosophical exercise—it’s an invitation to explore your own experience. Notice when you cling to an identity, whether it’s tied to your body, relationships, or thoughts. Ask yourself: Is this truly "me"?

Letting go isn’t easy. But it’s not about abandoning yourself; it’s about freeing yourself from unnecessary suffering. When you loosen your grip on "self," you’ll find a spaciousness where peace and compassion can thrive.

Glossary of Key Terms

• Aggregate (khandha): A collection of phenomena that are stuck together and contribute to the illusion of self. The five aggregates are form, feeling, perception, mental formations, and consciousness.
• Attachment: Clinging to things as "me" or "mine" and seeking pleasure or avoiding pain through them. This clinging creates a sense of self that is separate and bound to the object of attachment.
• Consciousness (viññana): The faculty of awareness that experiences phenomena. It is one of the five aggregates and plays a key role in creating a sense of self and location.
• Form (rupa): The physical aspect of experience, including the body and external objects. It is one of the five aggregates and interacts with consciousness to create a sense of self.
• Liberation: Freedom from suffering and the cycle of birth and death, achieved through the realization of the impermanence and non-self nature of reality.
• Mental Formations (sankhara): Thoughts, emotions, and volitional impulses that shape our experience and reactions. They are one of the five aggregates and perpetuate the sense of self.
• Perception (sañña): The process of recognizing and labeling phenomena. It is one of the five aggregates and contributes to the formation of attachments and fixed views.
• Reactivity: Automatic and habitual responses to experiences, driven by clinging and aversion. Reactivity strengthens the sense of self and contributes to suffering.
• Self (atta): The illusory notion of a permanent, unchanging entity that exists independently of the five aggregates.
• Suffering (dukkha): The inherent dissatisfaction and unsatisfactoriness of existence, arising from clinging to impermanent phenomena.